a little about me
should you find out my identity, then okay. you may judge me, bash me, make fun of me, and think what you want. you may know my weaknesses, what makes me tick, and how I've become who I am. go ahead and try to break me. there is no person that can bring me down. there is no person that can be a weight that keeps me from being me. this is my life, and the reason why I have a blog is so that if you want to listen, then here you can.
here, nothing else matters. I don't need to care what anyone thinks. someday, I will be able to bring that outside of the internet. when I can do that and never turn back to the insecurity of hiding it on a blog, then you will see me in the headlines making change. just you wait.
How did our society become one where the most attractive people are the ones who get what they want? In a competition between two people, the person with the better looks will get the job. Attractive people get the girls/boys they want. They have tons of friends, even with a terrible personality. Why is that? When did our society become something where generosity and caring about others’ well being was no longer considered when someone is a good candidate for whatever they’re doing?
Take a high school election, it is a popularity contest, don’t even deny it. Here are you candidates, by years participated in student government. Candidate 1: one year. Candidate 2: two years. Candidate 3: two years. Candidate 4: three years. Which one wins the election? Not Candidate four, I can tell you that. This is actually the ranking of who won first, second, third, and fourth in a high school election. This situation shows, “Wait, you don’t need extra years of experience to be a better candidate? Alright!” Of course, if candidate four were a bigger person, they’d continue to participate in the council, regardless of losing. In the end, why does it become that? Oh you tell me that the first three candidates are popular and attractive among their peers? Now I get it.
I’m against people using their looks and attractiveness to get what they want. I think it’s unfair and unjust to those who actually have to work hard to try and get what they want. People look at you, people stare at you, people begin to not take you seriously. It’s something about society that I don’t understand, nor do I know how to change. As much as I’m against it, for my own good I have to worry about my appearance, which is VERY time consuming.
Though one may question, “Why do you have to worry so much about your appearance? It isn’t such a big deal,” they may forget that we live in a society where looks do matter; where the one who looks better will indeed get the better lot. All the girls that spend so much money on makeup, plastic surgery, whatever it is (on both extremes) to feel beautiful. Even guys will feel like that too. It disgusts me, to think that so many girls don’t feel they’re attractive enough and they feel that they need to eat then throw it all up. What happened to when we could just eat a hot dog and not really worry about all the carbs and the weight? Yeah, it’s alright to think about health but for the sake of being attractive? Those are two different things in my opinion.
This is our society in my eyes, people are able to just walk in and get what they want if they’re attractive. The person who looks better will do better in life, and as much as we can tell ourselves “I am beautiful no matter what they say”, it’s not gonna work in the work force. No matter what we do to raise our credentials, we will end up not getting the job, the person we want to love, or whatever because there’s someone who looks better. That’s just sad. (Or least, this whole weekend this is all that I’ve thought about.)
I’m a terrible person.
There’s one guy who’s very attracted to me. He’s so nice and wants to keep me happy at any extent. He offers to do my homework for me sometimes just so I could get a good night’s sleep. He slips in “you’re beautiful” and “you’re amazing” in conversations sometimes. Whenever I have to stay after school, he finds me and stays with me. He’ll stay in the library with me sometimes. I’m good friends with him. That’s all. That’s all I want. It’s nice, but all I want is friendship. I don’t know how to break that to him because I thought I already did. Considering the fact that I may have went on an accidental date with him, (or even if he didn’t intend for it to be, I was just SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.) I’m also going to prom with him, and I said yes as a friend.
Yet as much as I hate to admit it, I’m attracted to someone else. Today, I was laying in my bed watching TV and all I was thinking about was his touch. I wanted his arm around me and kissing me on the head. We used to do this. We used to be so close. He turned it into something immoral and confusing. I let it become that way. I’ve found strength in the fact that my efforts to battle his jerkiness with words of irritation and sarcasm. But I guess they aren’t enough. Or maybe ultimately, I’m not trying hard enough. It’s almost as if I want him, want complication, want….this…this…contradiction to everything I believe in as a part of my life. He’s a sin, he makes me feel so terrible about myself. He makes me worry and makes me revert back to irrational behaviors. I just don’t understand why I want him in my life. I don’t understand why after all of the bad things he’s done to me, and the way he’s treated me, I still yearn for his touch. I still melt when he plays his musical instruments with all of his heart and soul. I don’t think I’m in love with him, and God forbid that I am. I don’t want to be. I consciously hate him but when I think about it, I just can’t stay away.
Here I have a genuine guy friend who actually cares about me, and would do so much just to see me smile. I’m willing to go to prom with him because I would actually be able to make conversation with him for most of the night. But I’m not interested in him at all. I can’t see us together. I don’t want us to be more than friends. All of our mutual friends want us to be a couple, and I just say “NOOOOOO” when the bring it up.
Then I’ve got an asshole on my hands who I would probably go out with if he gave a damn about me and actually asked me out. He openly flirts with other girls in front of me, which makes me angry. It’s hard to keep a conversation with him when I’m with other people and he’ll open up to me only when we’re alone and in secret. I’m so strong. I know I’m strong. I’ve been more confident with myself than I ever have and it just improves with each year overall. This guy….he forces me to be even stronger as he tries to make me weak. I’m trying, but it’s truly hard.
So I’ve found myself in a situation where I know that the nice guy is interested in me. Yet I’m in the asshole’s car fogging up the windows as things get heated. (Sort of what y’all may be assuming, but not really). I’ve tried to make it clear to the nice guy that we’re just friends and nothing more. I tell him all the time that we’re “great friends.” and “prom buddies” and that “I wish people wouldn’t think that we’re dating”. The asshole I don’t think I’ve even directly told him that in 9th and 10th grade I was so into him. I just assumed that he assumed.
I’m a terrible person. So at least I feel that way. I don’t know what to do. The least I can do is stay as strong as I can, and hope that I don’t screw up everything.
Yes, I do understand that what I’m about to say in this post can be…contradicting to my last one. Thing is, here, I don’t have a name or identity. If you happen to know my identity, then just know that I am being open here and no longer care what strangers may think. I only care about the opinions of my close friends.
Read more if you’d like. This is a touchy subject for me. It’s basically the information that led to people losing respect for me. Being older now, the message I want people to learn from this is that I have grown. I have taken the right lessons from these negative events and have turned them into strength. So here.
Lately I’ve had many nights of apathy and detachment. Day in and day out I start to realize more and more why I stand out and will indeed change the world (even if I don’t exactly know how). I’ve learned to be social for the sake of just being social. I have no desires to impress anyone, as I did just a year or so back.
I just stayed away from anything or anyone that felt too familiar to me. With a few months left before I move away, I just need to live it up and talk to everyone. I have no regards about what their opinions of me are. Point is, as I mentioned in my previous post, my goal is to change the world. I can’t get too close or too chummy with anyone, knowing that close connections shouldn’t be something that people automatically get.
Let me tell you, I used to reveal the details my personal life willy nilly as I trusted people so easily. It led me to figuring out the hard way that people cannot be trusted, that they can be out to get you. In the end, my status amongst my colleagues became soiled. Everyone knew my dirty secrets and about personal relationship troubles I was having. The ridicule I received ended relationships, broke my heart, and led to the loss of respect from those who supposedly cared about me, and who I had “trusted.”
For four years, I self-loathed, I hated myself, I didn’t know who I could trust. I ended up self-harming and believing that there would be no solution. But along the way, I re-discovered myself. I bought a plane ticket and flew across the world to do some self-discovery. I gained a love for travel and for seeing the world. I wanted to make something of myself and change the world. I climbed back up the ladder to regain the respect of those who thought I couldn’t make it. I proved that I could be better.
Yet also in those four years, especially up to now, I’ve learned, “Why should I even care what they think of me?” I ended up getting a better opportunity and am moving to a different state in July. I don’t care about these people who I have been acquaintances with all my life. The only opinions I care about are the ones of the friends I’ve had for years, and didn’t leave me when times were rough.
Last night was one of the strongest moments where I felt, “I am superior to all of you. I’ve changed so much in these four years while many of you have just worried about where you stand amongst your colleagues. You’re all immature and don’t have any idea what kind of a world there is out there.” This town has revealed how provincial it can get. Luckily, I’m getting out. Only four months to go.
Well hello.
I haven’t posted in a while, at least in regards to this blog. I’ve been overseas for a few weeks and also been preoccupied with work. Quite the busy life, yes?
My experience overseas was an insightful one. On many instances, I felt myself growing up more than I already have. I became more aware of who I am, and how to cope with the insecurities I’ve had in the past. So I’m gonna share with you one of those lessons.
Attachment. Come on, we all feel it now and again. As humans, we fear solitude and fear not having that person who will love us unconditionally (besides our family). On this journey abroad, I initially felt that. I went with a group of strangers that I didn’t know, except for one person who I BARELY knew.
On a tangent, I find this laughable about society. I don’t understand why people aren’t as open to new friends as I am. This group I was with, they already had their friend circles set, and did not want to accept anyone else. Even back here in my suburb town, that’s how it seems to be. How amusing.
Anywho, the point is that I was about to go on a life-changing journey with these people who had rigid views on everything. I’ll just say it. I was in Africa to do a human rights and community service trip, with a host family component. See, isn’t that supposed to be life changing? Here I am, by myself, no friends (since many of them missed the deadline to sign up for this trip), and basically on my own.
What do you do in this situation, with a close-minded group of people who don’t seem too open for new faces? Easy, for someone like me. You just be social and have no intentions of keeping any bonds.
You see, I could’ve spent my entire trip being upset about being alone. I could’ve sulked and forgotten that I was on a life-changing journey. I went on an equally life-changing trip two years ago. One day out of seven weeks I moped. Even then, that one day is too much, in my opinion. When having an experience of a lifetime, there’s no time to waste any energy on negative feelings. If you feel them, get rid of them as soon as possible.
Thing is, I always reminded myself, “This journey is for me. This trip is my time for self-awareness. I am on this journey for a reason, and will seek to learn as much as I can.” That’s exactly what I did. I talked to some of these people, and their provincial sides were confirmed. I did manage to meet a few people who, I guess, I became closer with. However, the mistake would be to start calling them “my closest friends.”
No, just no. In order to be successful, we cannot be attached to so many people. If for every life-changing experience, we tried to be friends with all those we meet, and tried to keep every connection, well that’d end in a lot of disappointment. Personally, my number one goal on this trip was not to make friends. It was to have a cultural experience while learning the way they lived. “Do as the Romans do” I guess. (I wasn’t in Rome, by the way.)
I did make connections. I did favor some people on the trip more than others. But I took every effort to make sure I was not attached. I have photos to share that include me and other people, but what does that mean? I don’t really think I’m friends with these people, to be honest. In the end, are they making any effort to talk to me? No.
On my previous trip (okay, I went to Asia), there were even more people. In fact, these people live even farther away than the people I went to Africa with. The thing is, they do a better job of keeping in touch than these people do. It’s been two years since that trip and I’m still in touch and close friends with probably 3-5 people. To put it in perspective, there were fifty of us who went.
My point is, we can’t go and say “Oh we became so close on this trip” when it’s not true at all. I didn’t become close with anyone, and that’s just fine. Be careful with who you do want to keep connections with. If they’re out there to pull you down, detach immediately. Who you keep lifelong connections with is a selective process.
In fact, which is the opposite of my old opinions, I preferred being alone. On many occasions I walked by myself, sat by myself, and was excluded from conversations. Of course I tried to put myself out there, and be part of the social circle. Instead, I looked at the stars and had insight. I stared out at a mountain and contemplated some decisions that I was going to make upon returning home. I finally relaxed for once and got to bask in the sun without any worries.
I will tell the story of my experience on the mountain at some point, where I knew that I was fated to be on this trip to learn about independence. But for now, just know I did have a life-changing experience; whether I was alone or really not. So hey, even if I didn’t make some close “biffles” on this trip, I gained personal awareness and ended up with a clearer, mature mind. That’s still something of this trip. That’s good enough exactly for me.
